on grief

i didn’t feel it when i got the text about the accident

i didn’t feel it when i hugged one of my best friends at the funeral as she was sobbing

not when i was talking to your dad and his voice started cracking and he had to excuse himself

not when i was looking at our memories of doing things that should’ve gotten us expelled, or at least suspended

not when i looked at your baby picture album and saw that cute little face staring up at me

not when i learned it wasn’t an accident after all, you couldn’t take living anymore

i felt it when i went for a run by myself on July 4th, without headphones to block out the noise in my head, each successive firework blast sounding exactly like the shot you fired at your own head

my heartrate spiked and i was unsuccessfully fighting the flowing tears

i’ve lost too many friends and people i care about to suicide, my first experience with this kind of loss was when i was 14, quite suicidal and depressed in my own right, i lost a friend from the city i just moved away from. i was so angry at him, so much so that i skipped his funeral, my biggest regret to this day.

i’m not good at handling grief, i like to think that i have grown from the 14 year old that responded with “gay” to my friend saying “i love you” not realizing this exchange would haunt me for the rest of my life

in a way he saved me, my overwhelming anger completely ruled out any thoughts of suicide, i refused to hurt the people i care about the same way he hurt me

my coping mechanism is to pretend it doesn’t affect me, but each person i lose is a hole in my heart and the holes never get smaller. i feel like over time they get covered until you smell a certain scent, see kids skating without helmets or any number of memories resurface that were exclusive to you and someone that no longer exists and the hole becomes unshrouded once again.

i know loss is just a part of life and part of what makes our lives so valuable, but damn that shit hurts.